Fatty Fatty Two by Four

Does anyone know of a local Baby Weight Watchers program I can enroll my five-month old in? Apparently, "experts" (clueless friends, relatives of friends, etc.,) have confirmed that my son is overweight. Yes, you read it here. My baby boy is already fat and in desperate need of a pilates class.

Now, I admit I am fat (and have even more to love now that I have had a baby) and need to get my physical fitness on more, but I am an adult. I can control what, how, where, when and why I eat. Sometimes I eat healthy and sometimes...not so much. I may eat sometimes even when I'm not hungry. But babies eat because they are...wait for it...hungry. Imagine that!

The first few times I was asked how much Baby ate, I didn't mind at all. Now after being asked over and over (and now by the same people over and over), it is really getting FUCKING TIRED. Get a new question! (Click here to see other obnoxious stuff people ask/tell me.)

One friend of mine asks me all the time how much Baby is eating and a few times even laughed and mentioned that he ate as much as an almost-two year old in her family. Let me clarify. My Baby is almost five months old and eats about six to six-and-a-half ounces of formula at each feeding, which is well within guidelines. This amount varies during times he is in pain from teething (four or five ounces only) or is in a growth spurt (seven ounces). Formula is all that he consumes. The two-year old that my friend mentioned surely consumes more than just formula, right?

It's like this. If I said I drank eight ounces of soda a day only and another person drinks eight ounces of soda and eats three meals plus snacks daily...is that the fucking same, Sherlock?? (The answer is no, just in case you are a bit slow.)

So my Fat Baby is apparently able to deceive his pediatrician during our visits, because Dr. B proclaims Baby's development as "excellent" and has no qualms about telling me that Baby is in the 90th percentile for weight (16.5 pounds at a little over four months). Last time I checked, babies are supposed to have some meat on them, right? Guess I'm slacking as a parent. First, I stopped breastfeeding and pumping and now I am overfeeding my Baby.

Just because my Baby is on formula doesn't mean that he can be overfed. YOU try and give this kid more than what he wants...he goes ballistic!!! I don't know how other babies are (because I am no expert as my friend and her relatives are, ya know!) but I do know that my Baby will throw a fit if you over- or underfeed him. And, why in world would I WANT to overfeed my baby? That's soooooo strange...perhaps other people have tried this on their own babies???? Who knows...

Another friend of mine has asked me about Baby's formula intake before because her own daughter is four days younger and on formula as well. So, she and I tend to ask one other (politely, mind you) questions involving feeding, milestones, etc. It's not a contest, we just want to gauge if we have the opportunity to exchange tips and share in the joy of our children developing at the same time.

The friend that kept asking me how much Baby ate for no reason also mentioned that people she was talking to mentioned Baby was overweight. Who are these people?? Do they work with Dr. B? If they know SO MUCH about my Baby, why don't they come over here and talk care of him for me, then? Better yet, pay some damn bills around here and shut the fuck up. Another great example of clueless, nosy, ridiculous people butting their noses into business they know nothing about.

They have no idea how hard I work to take care of Baby all day. They have no idea how I ensure he is fed properly. THEY are not around when he's in terrible pain from teething and can barely eat...which would be a win for them because then hopefully he'll lose some of that weight already, sheesh!

These dim people must admire those poor starving babies in Somalia and other third-world countries. All those ribs jutting out, fabulous. I can't wait to get my Baby on a rigorous exercise routine so he can wear his Speedo to the pool by Labor Day!

Just kidding! Seriously, though, we all have insecurities as parents. It's natural to doubt oneself at times. But, do not let your own lack of confidence became the reason for slinging arrows at my family. We are doing well and Baby is fly, fresh and flavorful...accordingly to all the feedback we receive from practically everyone my husby and I know. Not bad for a fat kid, huh?